


Chasing Moments: A Grey's Anatomy/ Private Practice Compilation

by DocMcRegals



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice
Genre: Adoption, Adultery, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Childbirth, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Miscarriage, Original Character(s), Sex, Sexual Assault, Sexual Content, Surgery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 02:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21008117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DocMcRegals/pseuds/DocMcRegals
Summary: A series of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice one-shots and companion pieces





	1. Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU; Addison reflects on her daughter Ella's life while waiting for the inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
Welcome to Chasing Moments, a Grey's/Private Practice compilation series. Here, you'll find lots of stories about Addison Montgomery and the doctors of Seattle Grace/Seaside Wellness. The main ships will be Maddison and Addek, with bits of Jaddison, HotCop (Addie and Kevin Nelson) and that dreadful ship, Addisam. Also, expect lots of Maddek BroTp feels as well.  
I hope you all enjoy!

She's a vision, a stunning, beautiful vision at thirteen. She looks exactly like him and sometimes it kills you. Sometimes you wish that you'd hadn't kept her from him, that she'd gotten to know her father before it was too late. But you were still married to Derek, your husband Derek who took one look at the child and knew who she belonged to, to his best friend, _your best friend_, Mark Sloan. Now, as you sit here on her thirteenth Birthday, you reflect on each year and how it had come to this.

**One.**

You'd slept with your husband's best friend and now, here you are. You're pregnant with his baby. Of course, Mark is still a whore and nowhere _near_ ready to be a father, so you make the unilateral decision to abort. But when you get to the clinic and hear that little heartbeat you know you can't do it. You’ve never been pro-life but, there’s something special about this kid, you can just tell. You know that if you were to abort, you’d regret it, and Addison Montgomery doesn’t do regret very well. With that in mind, you quickly dress and leave the clinic, apologizing profusely. You may be a well-respected doctor, but you still have decorum.

You don't tell Mark.

You let him believe that you'd gone through with it; he probably hates you anyway for choosing Derek instead of him. You’re unsure of what to do, but fate intervenes and Richard Webber calls. He needs you for a case, and your husband is there; you also find out he's also in love with another woman. Meredith Grey, Ellis Grey's daughter it should totally come as a shock to you but, somehow it doesn’t. You shouldn't go; you know in your mind that it’s over but you're a wreck and Mark cheated and he's Derek. You're Addison-and-Derek and together, you two use to be able to get through anything.

Derek is less than pleased to see you; in fact, he's downright furious that Richard called you. But you're good at your job and if those babies had a chance of survival, you were it. He avoids you most of your visit until you corner him near the elevators.

_If you sign I sign; the balls in your court_.

You really didn't want to but you took one look at Meredith and you knew; he'd never looked at you like that, with love in his eyes. Sure he loved you, but was he _in love with you_? Looking back in hindsight, you realize that it was never meant to be. It's the secret you've been hiding for nearly _15 years_; you think it was safe, being with Derek. It was most certainly convenient and everyone said you looked _so good together_, would be _perfect_ for each other. But _maybe your parents were right_; maybe you two _just weren't meant to be_.

But still for some reason, he doesn't sign; he says he can't just let go of eleven years without a little hesitation. You're his family and he's…willing to try and get through this little blip.

_You didn't mean it, did you, Addie?_

_No_, you tell him, but the evidence of your betrayal is slowly developing in your womb. So you tell him, you have to tell him. But somehow it comes out as,

"_I'm having a baby, and it's yours_,"

You pin it on some random night you'd slept together just before the affair; the timing works out and he believes you, almost.

Labor comes earlier than it should, and the whole world comes crashing down around you when she comes out looking _just like _**him**_._

_How could you do this Addison?_

_How could you lie to me like that?_

He left the hospital without a word; this time he'd been the one to draw up the divorce papers. He'd banished you, said,

"_All I want is Seattle, and to_ **never** _see you again_," so, with a heavy heart you turned in your resignation letter to Richard and you left. You spend her first year of life at the beach house in the Hamptons (Derek said he'd wanted no parts of your life together; you sold the Brownstone the minute you moved to Seattle. There was no going back anyways.). She grows, thrives and flourishes in that first year you spend by the seaside. Soon, chubby cheeks smooth out and that tiny little sprig of blonde hair turns into beautiful blonde curls. However, happiness for you doesn't last long; Archer calls the following spring. It's cancer, brain cancer, and its terminal.

**Two.**

You never thought you'd be here again, in Seattle, but you are. You're not blind to the stares and the gossip, the way people whisper about the blonde-haired child you carry on your hip. Derek is polite, cold but polite as he does everything he can to save your brother. In the end, it's simply not enough; one of the worms digs itself deeper into Archer's brain during surgery. You watch in horror as your brother, the one and only family you have besides Ella flatlines on the table.

Archer didn't believe in God, so there was no service; just a quick cremation and a private burial in the family Crypt at Saint Mary's in Hartford. There's a memorial service the following week in New York but you don't go. You heard _he'd_ be there and didn't want to risk running into him. You're sure Derek or someone from your circle has told him what happened, that you'd kept the baby. You'd talk to him, tell him the truth but, you're too scared to see him.

The summer Ella turns three you move to Los Angeles.

**Three.**

Life in LA is…different, a stark contrast to Seattle, a much-needed relief from New York and an even bigger reason for you to never return to Connecticut. You take a portion of Archer's ashes with you and store them on the mantel in the living room of your new beachfront house. Ella likes the beach, is simply happy to be frolicking in the ocean again. She's happy to be in the sand, squealing as the water causes the sand to become mush between her toes. You take a job at Oceanside Wellness, get surgical privileges at St. Ambrose where you become good friends with Charlotte King of all people. You develop a routine, date a couple of men, though you turn down Kevin Nelson's proposal. You're not marriage material, after all; you’d proven that with Derek. You barely think you're girlfriend material, I mean, _look at what you did to poor Mark_. You think of him often, especially as you watch her grow. The older she gets the more she looks just like him.

Sometimes when you're all alone, you pick the phone and dial his number. You hang up before it rings and make sure you've blocked out your number so he can't call back. You're too ashamed to face him, but you wonder why he hasn't sought you out. He must know what you did.

**Four.**

The year Ella starts Pre School is the year things begin to fall apart at the practice. Naomi has been running it into the ground you learn after she divulges the secret to you. You've lost most of your clientele, the employees are feuding amongst each other, but everyone turns on you the minute they find out you've known about Naomi's secret the whole time. To make matters worse, you somehow manage to lose your best friend when you refuse to give her teenage daughter an abortion.

_Since when did you get such high moral ground_?

It's a dig and it stings but Naomi is hurting; Maya's just sixteen, she shouldn't be having a baby. But still, Maya wants to keep the baby and you know a thing or two about being scared and alone and pregnant.

Unfortunately, Maya never makes it to labor; she and Dell are killed by a drunk driver. Naomi wants nothing to do with the baby; Dink's parents don't either and Sam is too caught up in his grief. The baby is put up for adoption immediately after birth; you never see her again.

**Five.**

The strangest thing happens when one afternoon Amelia Shepherd comes to town. _Hurricane Amy_, is in LA, except she's no longer Hurricane Amy. She's Amelia, sober, happy, kick-ass, rock star neurosurgeon Amelia... If there's anyone who understands what it's like to be the Black sheep of the family, it's Amy. She's understanding about Ella doesn't judge you for what you did. You give her a place to stay and she’s more than willing to babysit. It feels good for your daughter to have some semblance of family besides you.

Ella and Amy become fast friends, spending nearly every waking moment together when she isn't in school or ballet. You hit a jealous patch for a minute until Ella, your sweet five-year-old reassures you,

"You'll _always_ be my mommy," She says it as if it's the simplest thing in the world. You feel a lick of shame when she gives you a disproving look as if you had the right to question her loyalty to you. Still, it takes Amelia a bit longer to warm up to you again. You’d treated her like shit and your words are known to be like poison, and with Amy, they'd cut deep. She stays gone for a week which devastates Ella but eventually, she comes back home.

Three weeks before Ella's sixth Birthday, the practice dissolves.

**Six.**

There's no more Oceanside Wellness.

It feels strange, packing up your office, unsure of what to do next. Of course, you still have privileges at St. Ambrose and Charlotte's already offered you head of Neonatal, but those days of long hours and endless amounts of paperwork are behind you, plus your girl is six and in first grade. You politely decline and offer perhaps the greatest solution:

You buy the building and start a new practice, Seaside Wellness.

Everyone is partially on board, though it takes quite a bit of coaxing for Sam (he hasn't been the same since Maya died) but eventually he joins on. Naomi moved to New York after an impulsive engagement and a failed marriage, one to a man named William White and later, Gabriel Fife. However, she returns home six months later and joins the practice.

Everything seems right…almost.

**Seven.**

Amelia is on drugs, had relapsed after some idiot waiter at Cooper and Charlotte's wedding accidentally gave her a glass of champagne instead of her usual ginger ale. It started small, a missing wine glass here and there, but it eventually got bigger, like forgetting to pick up Ella from dance practice, leaving her sitting on the steps. When you confronted her about it, she'd threatened to call Mark and tell him how you've been hiding his adulterous love child from him all these years. You can't have that and threaten to put her out. You won't disrupt his life or Ella's it’s better this way you selfishly tell yourself.

Ella vows to never speak to you again when she overhears your threat and it hurts. It reinforces the crazy belief that she'd loved Amelia more than you. However, her 'I hate you' phase doesn't last long when Amelia shows up at her school to pick her up completely high. You have to rush over, in the middle of a very important surgery, to pick up your terrified child who'd never seen her Aunt 'Melia in such a state. The others are worried and try to stage an intervention. It doesn't work; she simply laughs you all off, tells _you, in particular,_ to fuck off and then quits her job.

You make the one call you didn't wanna have to make, _Derek_.

He's less than pleased that you found his number, but still, he takes your call.

**What do you want** _, Addison?_

He pauses for the briefest of seconds when you mention Amelia and what she's going through. You think he might actually help but all he responds with is,

_Some things never change; she's not my mess to deal with anymore, she's yours._ You can feel the nasty retort on his lips but he saves it; he just hangs up and blocks your number.

**Eight.**

Amy has been on a binder for nearly eleven days. Her phone is off, she's been evicted from her apartment, her car's been repossessed and no one in her family is willing to help. Everyone's turned to you, seeing as you know her the best. It takes a while but, you find her in some cheap motel, lying next to dead corpse sobbing.

His name was Ryan, she tells you; Ryan Kerrigan. They were gonna get married; she gave him her father's watch. It's painful to see Amy looking so helpless as the medics take Ryan's body away. They leave her to you, leave her a drunken, sweaty mess in your arms as she sobs and sobs and begs to go to rehab.

"Okay," you tell her.

She remains in rehab for 90 days and returns home looking like nothing had ever happened. Slowly, she starts to mend the relationships she's broken, Ella's especially. In the time that Amelia's been gone, you've hired a new doc, a fertility specialist named Jake Reilly. Jake is good and kind and everything you could possibly want in a man, and he seems determined to have you, but you can't have nice things.

"Don't, Jake; I'll just hurt you," Jake simply smiles and says he doesn't believe it, that he'll wait for you as long as it takes. Amelia's been back to work nearly three months when she hits you with the devastating news.

"I'm pregnant, and it's Ryan's,"

_Addie, there must be _ **something you can do** _, right?_

_Addison, there _ **has** _ to be a way to fix this!_

Sadly, there isn't; Amelia's baby is anencephalic; half of his skull and most of his brain properly failed to develop. She blames you, (not really), lashes out at you the most. You're an easy target it seems.

_How could _ **you** _ have a happy, perfect, healthy kid when you cheated on your husband with his best friend!?_

_You don't deserve children! _ **You didn't even want her** _!_

Amelia's words are painful, but you do your best to shield Ella from them. You ask Jake to take over Amelia's case and he agrees. It makes you smile that she's taken to him the way she has. She trusts him and he's helpful, he's so, _so _helpful to her. You want to badger and question him about how things are going, but Jake is a good doctor, a man of codes and ethics and he refuses to break his rules for you, crush or no crush.

**Nine.**

You're in the room when Amelia delivers, it's brutal and painful but you're right there holding her hand. She'd asked for you, requested that only you and Charlotte are in the room with her aside from Jake and nurse Stephanie. You hold her hands; sit behind her as she pushes and pushes. Your heart nearly breaks at the sight of him, a beautiful baby boy who is quickly whisked away after breathing on his own for eight minutes, passing away in his mother's arms. She donates his organs, says that maybe some other babies will be given a second chance. She doesn't name him, simply calls him her unicorn baby. Once it's over, you head for an on-call room and promptly break down and cry.

Ella is absolutely devastated, wants to spend nearly every waking moment with Amelia, and surprisingly it's a welcoming sort of comfort for her. Slowly but surely she begins to recover; she goes back to rehab and comes back a seemingly new person. It takes some time but, things begin to seem normal, and you find that you like normal. You decide to take a leap and date Jake and it's wonderful, _absolutely positively_ **wonderful**. You learn that he was able to connect with Amelia on such a level because he had a wife (shocker!) who was on drugs. Unfortunately, she'd overdosed before she had a chance to get help. He has two children, a 20 something-year-old stepdaughter (though he claims her as his own) Angela, and a son slightly older than Ella, Miguel. He doesn't see much of Miguel; he's the result of a one night stand sometime after Lily died.

Being with Jake makes you want things, makes you wish that you'd had more children, and thus begins your journey into motherhood for the second time.

**Ten.**

You're barren. Well, not exactly barren but, you're well past the age of childbearing. You'd unknowingly hit early menopause after Ella. It's cruel because while you'd had all the signs of menopause you still had (have) a period. You decide that since you can no longer physically have children that there's no need for a uterus. Jake thinks it's a rash decision but supports you anyway. Ella doesn’t quite understand and you dare not bring it up with Amelia; she’s still reeling from the loss of her own unicorn baby.

You’re better off dealing in silence, but Jake, Jake, that wonderful, wonderful man, he refuses to let you go at it alone. You realize then that you love him.

**Eleven.**

You learn during your recovery phase that Jake Reilly is perhaps the most perfect man ever. He makes you want things, like being married again. You also notice how good he is with Ella; she likes him, she likes him _a lot_. In fact, he's the first man since Kevin she's felt totally comfortable with. When Miguel's stepfather's job sends him across the country, you suggest that he come live with you and Jake. The way Jake looks at you with so much love and devotion hurts. It takes several meetings and conversations but soon enough, Miguel is occupying the room down the hall from yours. He and Ella get along really well and Angela likes you. You slowly see this, you, Jake, the kids, becoming a bit of a family.

Then, like always, the world comes tumbling down with one single phone call.

**Twelve.**

You haven't heard from Nancy Shepherd in over thirteen years but one day, out of the blue, she calls.

_Addison? It's, it’s Derek and Mark_. _They were killed in a car accident yesterday on their way back from Washington D.C...Could you, could you tell Amy_?

The words knock the wind out of you, and you swear you have a light stroke. You're having dinner with Jake and the kids when the call comes through. You drop your wine glass, pieces of the shards cutting your hand and foot. You have to blink several times before Jake's face comes into view. He's cupping your cheeks, calling your name several times. Miguel and Ella are standing behind Angela looking absolutely terrified.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

You shake your head slowly, your eyes fall on Ella; Jake knows, it has something to do with her father.

He'd coaxed the information out of you some time ago after a night of incredible lovemaking. You'd been off, tense, unfocused, which is highly unusual for you during sex, because Jacob Miguel Reilly is perhaps **the best lover you have ever had**. Still, that night you're unfocused and tense, which makes Jake stop and ask you what's wrong.

Derek had been on your mind since you heard about the plane crash he'd been in a few years ago. You happened to be watching the news earlier and saw the headline about him going to Washington D.C. to work for the president. It had jarred you a bit not that he was working for the President on his Brain Mapping Initiative, but because standing right beside him was none other than Mark Sloan. The two of them, surprisingly look, dare you say it, happy. They looked as if no time had passed between them. You wondered how that could be, especially since the last time you talked to Savvy she informed you that Mark was still in New York, working at New York Presbyterian and he hadn't spoken to Derek since the night of the affair. So how in the hell did those two know each other?

It sent you into a panic; Derek knew about your daughter, what if he had told Mark? It completely threw you off your game that night and later, Jake asked you about it. You promptly broke down and told him what a terrible person you were. He surprised you and told you that despite all that, he still loved you and wanted to be with you. It was as if all the weight you'd been carrying on your shoulders had suddenly lifted. It took some time and lots of reassurances, but you learned that you were not and should not be defined by one mistake.

Now, it seems, your mistake has come to bite you in the ass, or as Charlotte King would say, your chickens have come home to roost.

"You should tell her," it's a low murmur of a thing as he cleans your wounds. You give him a sharp glare and he backs off, holding up his hands as a sign of surrender.

He's right and eventually after you've had a few minutes to compose yourself (and to tell Amelia; God you hope that she doesn't relapse), you tell her.

Sadly, it all leads to this moment.

**Thirteen.**

She is stunning, a beautiful, perfect vision of beauty…lying in a hospital bed on life support.

Your heart is breaking; your soul has literally been crushed in half since you got the call three days ago. Ella had tried to kill herself while staying over at a friend's house. She'd downed a bottle of pills; it makes you angry that some, irresponsible parent had left a bottle of oxycontin lying around. Paramedics pumped her stomach but by the time she made it to the hospital, she'd still been without oxygen for a significant amount of time.

They're using words like 'brain dead' and are quietly skirting around organ donation, but you refuse. Jake stays by your side the entire time and never leaves. Angela and Miguel are there too and it brings you comfort that they’d want to be their or their sister, a term they’d starting using late. Amelia hasn't come, is too upset that she could possibly be losing a third relative in less than a year. She doesn't need the stress, especially now that she's pregnant. Other friends and family float in and out. The news even seems to bring out the softer, maternal side in your parents.

_We'll do _**everything we can**, _Kitten_.

Bizzy surprises you and hugs for what seems like the first time in your life, and _oh how you wish Archer were here_! He'd know _exactly_ what to do, would know exactly what to say. It feels foreign, taking comfort from your parents but you welcome it, you welcome it with open arms. They may not have liked the way Ella was conceived, but they _did_ put forth an effort to have some form of a relationship with her, even if it was just nice presents at Christmas and her birthday, and monthly phone calls and her schooling paid for, and that coveted trip to Paris Bizzy promised her this summer, _if_ the makes it to the summer.

The doctors at St. Ambrose all respect you, and no one is willing, has the heart to tell you what you already know.

Your little girl is gone.

~

You call Forest Lawn in Glendale. Ella was obsessed with old Hollywood movie stars from the ’30s and ’40s and watched this show that did tours of celebrity graves on YouTube called Hollywood Graveyard. She'd told you after she started watching the show that Forest Lawn was where the real stars went. With that in mind, choosing Forest Lawn Glendale as the preferred funeral home was an easy choice. You make arrangements to have a small service on the weekend, Ella always did enjoy weekends. You won't bury her, refuse to; it’s far too final. You'll have a quiet ceremony with just close family and friends; you plan to scatter her ashes at sea. Ella always loved the beach so it felt fitting, to be able to stick your toes in the ocean and still feel her presence one last time.

You secretly plan to make a trip to New York and scatter some of her ashes at Yankee Stadium, just like you heard they'd done with Mark's ashes. You like to think that even though they never formally knew each other that their souls would meet somehow if you poured their ashes together. Bizzy thinks it's ridiculous, Jake thinks it's a nice gesture and your father supports whatever you want. That’s the thing about grief, it makes people nice, sympathetic towards you somehow.

You allow a few of her teachers and kids from her school a couple of hours alone with her. You watch through the glass as her friends talk and cry over her. You give people from the practice exactly one hour; you don't want this to be harder than it already is. They've known her since she was three, she's practically their kid at this point. If this is going to be hard on them, you can't even begin to imagine how hard it'll be on you. After that it's just you and your family-Jake, Angela, Miguel, Amelia (she comes, finally), James and your parents. You sit with her for what feels like hours, before Jake is ushering them away. It's almost eight; you'd made arrangements to have her taken off life support at exactly eight o'clock, the exact time she was born. It's weird, to be born and die on your birthday but, people plan and God laughs, that's what Bizzy’s always said.

"I'll leave you two alone," Jake presses a kiss to your cheek before leaning down and whispering what is sure to be a heartbreaking goodbye to Ella.

Then, you're all alone.

~

You'd wanted to do it yourself, be the one to pull the plug on your baby girl. Charlotte had said it was bold, offered to be in the room when you did but you refused.

"You sure, Montgomery? I've been in your shoes before and it's nothing pretty," you know she's talking about the time she went home to Alabama when her father died. But you assure her that you'll be fine, that you can handle it. Charlotte nods but offers to be right outside the door if you need her. The transplant team is scheduled to come 10 minutes after she's pronounced dead; just the thought of your daughter being dead sends a chill down your spine.

You glance at the clock; 7:58 p.m. two minutes until you have to let go. You close your eyes and take a deep breath before standing. You draw the curtains to her room; no one needs to be a witness to this, to see you give your child what you like to call a dignified death. Montgomery's grieve in silence; Bizzy instilled that in you and Archer when you were children. Even as an adult at the age of 50, you carry that sentiment with you still and plan to pass it on to Ella.

Slowly, you begin the process. You turn off the machine, you remove the feeding tube from her throat and _then_, you sit and wait for the inevitable.

You hold her hand and wait for it, the end to come. Suddenly, the silence becomes too much and you begin to speak; you have to tell her something, _anything_. You can't let her die in silence, not when she was so full of life. She needs to hear you because you have a _lot _of questions for her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you…_Ella why_? _Why did you do this_?" You can't stop your voice from breaking, nor the tears that fall down your face as you turn your body towards your baby girl's face. She looks, peaceful; the steady rise and fall of her chest gives you hope that she can hear you. It lets you know she's alive, even if it is, unfortunately, on borrowed time. You glance at the clock, it’s a few minutes after eight. She’s still holding on surprisingly so, you keep going.

"If I could take it all back, I would. Ella, I would do _anything_ to have just one more chance with you…if, if there is a God out there, I'd do _anything_ to have her back, even just for a second. Ella, _Ella, please wake up_," Your voice is warbly as you hold her hand, waiting with bated breath for some sort of sign that she can hear you.

God grants your wish; she gives your hand a squeeze before opening her eyes for a few moments. You feel as if there’s hope, that she might make a turnaround, but sadly her eyes only stay open for a moment before closing forever.

At eight thirteen, your daughter passes away.


	2. But With You, It Wasn't A Game (Mark + Addison AU)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddison, AU; Based on the line, "But with you, it wasn't a game,"

You sit in a nearby chair, watching your oldest daughter Ellery as she does the perfect ballet twirl in her afternoon ballet class that her mother insisted that she take. You smile proudly at her as she gives you a little wave, before turning her attention back to Madame whats her face. You sigh a little bit because you know that if Addison could see that horrible bun you'd put on the top of her head, she'd scream at you.

_Mark, what the hell were you thinking? _

_'I've shown you how to do a ballet bun a million times. _

_Were you _**not** _paying attention to me when I showed you? _

_Y_ _ou pull the hair up into a bun..._

You find yourself sighing heavily once again because by now you'd be walking towards her, muttering how you've got this. She'd frown at you before you pulled her towards you by the hips and kiss her. But you can't do that anymore, seeing as you're no longer together. You went and screwed it all up and slept with Lexie Grey again. She wanted commitment and you, as usual, bailed on her. _Why_? You have _no_ idea. Lexie, she's nice, incredibly cute, worships the ground you walk on. In your mind, Lexie's the safe choice but you know deep down that it just wouldn't work out. You're jarred from your thoughts as your daughter runs towards you, a huge smile on her face.

“Hi, daddy!” Your five and a half year old says with a huge grin on her face.

“Hey, kid,” You know she's a girl but you can't help the way you ruffle her hair, causing her to giggle and simultaneously glare you, shaking her head in that Addison-esque fashion.

You feel a swell of pride in your heart at the sight of her; she's the spitting image of her mother, though when she smirks, smiles, and grins, you see a miniature version of yourself. You hoist her up on your shoulders as you head to your car. She loves being on your shoulders; she says it's like being on top of the world. Of course, to a five-year-old, that's pretty high up. You help her get situated in the front seat of your car, something else you're sure your ex would flip out about but, you don't care. It's your time with your daughter so, you call the shots. She sits on the front seat, her little kick legs back and forth, while still at the same time admiring her new rain boots her mother had gotten her just last week (they're Burberry).

“What's on your mind kid?” you ask her, sensing that she's in deep thought; particularly the way her nose is scrunched up.

“Nothin,” she says with a huff.

“Doesn't look like nothing to me,” you say, keeping your eyes on the road.

“I just...do you love me, daddy?” Ellery asks, and the question is jarring.

“Where's this coming from Ellery?”

“I, mommy was crying last night,” she says quietly.

“Oh?”

“Uh-huh. She was talking to Aunt 'Melia and she was really, _really_ sad,” Ellery explains.

“Mommy was sad?”

“Mmhm. She cried for a _really long time_,”

“I'm sorry kiddo...but you know how much I love you, right Elle?”

“I do daddy but, I wish you'd come back home,” she says.

“I wish I could too but, I messed up pretty bad with your mother,”

“Can't you just, apologize? I really miss you,” she says, and there you have it, she misses you, apparently, they both do.

You hate to see your kid in pain, and judging by the longing look in her eyes, she's in a lot of it. It bothers you that your other favorite girl is in pain too. She's pregnant again, another little girl; she plans on naming her Riley. You picked out the middle name, Adrienne. You opted for her middle name, seeing as Ellery has your name, sort of. So you figured, why not let this kid have part of her name since "E" as you call her, already has part of yours?

“I really wish I could just, apologize kiddo but, it's not that easy. Daddy messed up real bad,” you tell her before ordering her a hamburger, with just cheese, nothing else and a french fry from McDonald's.

Seeing as its raining, your weekly park chats have been reduced to sitting outside of her mother's place talking. You make small, general conversation with your daughter until another familiar redhead is lightly knocking on your car window. You look up and see her; she looks like how you feel: miserable. Somehow, even at seven and a half months pregnant, she manages to look as beautiful as she did the day you met her. Her face is a bit fuller now, due to the pregnancy, but she's got that glow about her. She smiles brightly at your daughter, who gives her an eager wave, happily munching on a french fry, popping it into her mouth to impress her mother, who simply chuckles and nods approvingly.

“I see you've managed to teach her how to effectively pop a french fry into her mouth during your visit,” she says to you; her voice isn't accusatory, it just sounds tired.

“Yeah, she seems to enjoy it,” you say, as your daughter leans towards the driver's side of the car, still chewing on a french fry, but with a huge grin

“Hi mommy”

“Hey beautiful; did you have fun with daddy today?”

“Uh-huh. Madame Mimi says my twirls are really good,”

“That's great honey,” she says, noticing as you stare at her

“Alright baby girl, let's get you inside; we can't have all this cuteness melting away,” Addison tells her and she giggles, though when she looks at you, she's just sad

“See ya later princess,” your voice is soft as you lean over and kiss the side of her head.

“Bye daddy,” she says softly, though her eyes are saying so much more.

Addison stands there outside of the car, arms folded across her chest as she watches the two of you. You can't help but think of how much you love her, of how much you love them as Ellery gathers her things. You can't stop yourself from getting out of the car.

“Stay here kiddo, I'm gonna talk to your mom okay?” You tell Ellery

“Alright,”

“Mark,” she sighs as you close the door behind you.

"Addison,"

“What are you doing?” Addison sighs heavily and shakes her head; her arms are wrapped protectively around her belly.

“What am_ I_ doing? What are _we_ doing, Red?” you counter.

“It's over, Mark and we're dealing with this like civilized adults,” 

“I don't wanna deal with it like this,”

“You cheated on me, Mark _again_!” she shouts, letting her emotions get the better of her.

“I know, and I'm sorry”

“And with Lexie Grey of all people...it just _had_ to be a Grey girl!” 

“I'm sorry Red; I just...this is scary for me,” you confess.

“You don't think that this is scary for me?! Mark, I gave up my entire life to be with you!” she says exasperatedly

“I know Addison but, this? You, me, Ellery, the baby...it scares the living shit outta me Red,”

“Mark-”

“It scares me because now, it's all real; all of it. You, me, the girls...I just, it's a lot Red. I'm a father, I just...I have an even bigger chance of fucking things up now and, I don't wanna let you down, I didn't wanna let her down, either of them”

“So your idea was to cheat on me?” she looks at you incredulously.

“It's stupid but, it's what I go to when I'm freaked out,”

“Mark...” she says with a sigh and you know her resolve is wearing down

“I'm sorry Red just...”

“Stop,” she whispers, staring into your eyes as you notice her are swimming with tears; and dammit, you hate seeing her cry

“C' mere,” you say, pulling her towards you

“No,” she mutters, refusing to move from where she stands.

“Addison...” you say to her; the simple tone of your voice lets her know that you're not asking her.

“Mark, I-”

“Shhh,” you mutter before taking her face into your hands, kissing her softly.

“I'm so sorry babe; I swear I'm never gonna leave you again, I promise,” 

“Good, because if you do, I'll kill you,” she tells you, and you can't help but chuckle as Ellery rushes towards you, a grin on her face; of course she couldn't stay put.

“So, you're good now?” she asks, looking between the two of you.

“Oh yeah, definitely good right now kiddo,” you say with a huge grin before leading your girls back inside and out the cold rain.

~

“I'm sorry Red,” you mutter again later that night as you two lie naked, tangled in her (your) bedsheets together.

“I just...why Mark? Why do you keep doing this to me?” she asks, resting her head against your chest, listening to your heartbeat.

“I don't know Red...I just, you scare the shit outta me sometimes babe,”

“_I_ scare you?”

“Yeah...you, I've never been in love Addison, until you,”

“So being in love with me-”

“I'm me; Mark Sloan, the cool guy with the bad boy reputation...but with you, I'm all...”

“You're just Mark, the most amazing man in the world, the best daddy...you're not that guy to me Mark, no one else,” she says softly.

“I know, and that's what scares me. I don't want you to have such high expectations of me and then, I disappoint you; like I did when I cheated with you, with Lexie,”

“_Mark_,” she says, using a tone that's only reserved for you.

"I know, I know," you sigh.

“I love you, nobody else but you; I had your baby..._twice_ and if you asked me, I'd take your last name too,”

“Really?”

“Mark, I want to be with you, _nobody else_.”

“You mean that?”

“You've cheated on me and still, I keep taking you back...that should tell you something,” she says with a chuckle

“I never understood-”

“My love for you is unconditional; I can't not love you, Mark. You, you're it for me, the love of my life,” she tells you

“I won't cheat, ever again, I promise, I swear,” you tell her

“Don't make promises you can't keep Mark,”

“No. I don't wanna hurt you anymore Red, I just, I can't. I've messed around with a lot of women, but with you, it wasn't a game; it's not a game.” you tell her.

Two and a half months later, Riley is born.

Six months after that, you make good on your word and give her your last name.

You _never_ cheat again.

xxx


End file.
